Tessa Dare: Hook, Line, and Sinker
He went down on one knee and addressed her earnestly. “I have a question for you, Lucy.â€
She swallowed hard and nodded.
Toby reached into his pocket and withdrew something small and shining. He held it in his outstretched palm for her examination. “Will this fly do for October, do you think?†He pulled a tackle box from behind his back and opened it. “Or would you suggest another?â€
Lucy buried her face in her hands. Flies. She was ready to promise him her heart, her life, her soul’s devotion – and he wanted her opinion on fishing lures.
“Lucy?â€
“Oh, Toby,†she sighed, uncovering her face. “That’s a may-fly. It won’t do at all.â€
As most of you know, I finished my novel, Goddess of the Hunt, a few months ago now. The heroine, Lucy Waltham, knows precisely which of the sixty-five handmade flies in her tackle box will tempt the trout in any given season – but when it comes to luring a man, her technique needs some work. Not only is she relying on flashy clothes and affected airs to attract a husband – she’s aiming for the wrong man entirely.
Just as Lucy learns to choose her weapons carefully on the hunt for love, I struggled for many weeks to find the best ‘hook’ to reel in agents and editors. Marketing a book, I’m finding, is a bit like playing “Name that Tune.†Can you describe that book in three paragraphs? One paragraph? A sentence? One word?
I’m satisfied with my query – after dozens of revisions, I finally came up with something that reflected my book’s content and tone. Best of all, it’s been working! I’ll put up the new and old ‘hooks’ on my own blog today, if you want to compare. And I’ve pinned down the high concept of GOTH to a single word – “Aim.†But the one-line description – that mini-hook suitable for elevator pitches and business cards? Oh, I’ve gone through dozens. I’m hoping you can help me sort it out.
This was my first attempt:
As a girl, Lucy Waltham just wanted to be ‘one of the boys.’ Now Lucy’s grown into a woman, and she wants … one of the boys.
Kind of cute. But notice that this tells you nothing about the hero. Or the plot. Or even the historical setting. So, no.
I started over and tried again:
Hoyden huntress Lucy Waltham is courting trouble.
Not if a troubled earl courts her first.
Better, right? The words “hoyden,†“courting,†and “earl†all hint at the setting. We have some mention of the hero, and we know he’s got issues. (I can never quite call him “tortured†– because, while Jeremy has some problems, he’s anything but a whiner.) There’s the vaguest suggestion of conflict.
But the “courting disaster/trouble†idea just wasn’t capturing the high concept of “aim.†So then there was the week I tried write one of those three-part back-cover blurbs:
A huntress taking aim at love …
An earl dodging his troubled past …
A passion that can’t miss!
Just a wee bit cheesy, hmm? I’m still using it in my new website blurb, though.
My latest effort goes something like this:
On the hunt for a charming rake, hoyden sharpshooter Lucy Waltham enlists the help of a troubled earl – and discovers she’s been aiming at the wrong man all along.
I think this does the best job of summing up the conflict, plot, and theme – but I’m still not completely happy with it. I’ll keep tinkering until RWA, I’m sure!
So, help me out – which of these make you want to read the book? Any better ideas? And please tell me you can think of a better descriptor for my hero than “troubled.â€
With your own WIPs or completed manuscripts (Go Tiff and Ely!!), how are you distilling your book to a word, sentence, or paragraph? Can you describe your hero and heroine in two-word phrases, like “persnickety baronet†or “hot-tempered bluestocking?â€
Thanks, Vagabonds, for having me today! It’s an honor.
Congrats again, Tessa. One finished and one in the works. So amazing.
I’m afraid I don’t know enough about your hero to come up with a better descriptor. I’m afraid damaged and discouraged are the best I can do.
That first attempt would be great if your book was a contemp, but that last one is just right. Of course, your name on the cover would be enough to make me want to read the book.
My anti-spam word is “anticipation”–appropriate since that is exactly what I feel when reading your “latest effort” at describing GOTH, Tessa. I promise I will be first in line at my local bookstore when it is released.
Wordiness is my greatest weakness as a writer. By the time I complete my wip, I will probably have cut as many words as I leave. Just the though of “distilling [my] book to a word, sentence, or paragraph” makes me nauseous.
Yes that is a great title….for you book tessa.
A better word than troubled? Hmmm….Not sure, will have to get back to you on that one.
I really am not good a short descriptives. Actually I’m really bad at them. I haven’t thought about sucking in agents with my perfect prose
I’m sitting on In The Night and starting my next book.
And yes your last blurb makes me want to read the book, but that could be because I’ve seen your style – you’re damn good – so of course anything with Tessa Dare on the cover will make me pick it up and take it to the counter.
I can tell you that my next books’ title sums up my story…untamed desire…works for both characters (thanks again Janga) so Tessa can you pull anything out of that title to relate it back to your hero?
Thanks for sharing the evolution with us. All your shots hit the mark, I would say.
And you are so smart to be able to offer up a tasty bite of the whole delicious thing. I’ve read GOTH, so I know how great it is, but it’s true you really have to wow an agent/editor first thing. I want you to write all my hooks for me! That can be your next parttime job. Soon, you won’t have time because you’ll have that baby strapped to your back on a promo tour.
Now I’m going to spend the rest of the day secretly trying to turn concepts into catchy sentences at the circulation desk. We have a lot of scrap paper!
Gosh, Tess, can I hire you to write mine for me? *g*
I would definitely pick GOH with any of those back blurbs. I’ll write more later, but I have to run before a class comes in.
This is very intriguing. It’s like watching your friend who’s pregnant and listening to the revelations your mom and aunts and cousins don’t tell you about… the intricacies and details and all the medical phenomena that happen during said pregnancy. Having never been pregnant, this is an interesting analogy for me.
Our MS’s are our babies and it’s absolutely gobsmacking to find out all the intricacies and details about getting an agent and getting published. It sounds so simple putting it that way, but gee whiz, I had no idea when I started writing that it was this involved! ;D
Tessa, I’m with Ely. I’d have read the book on any of those hooks. Heck, I can’t wait to read it once it’s pub’d ;D
which Im sure will be soon!
I like them all, but the last one is the one that’s sticking with me. I especially like “… aiming at the wrong man all along.” It shows she’s got some surprises coming and so do we! It makes it sound like a fun book and I’d snatch it right off the shelves.
Good luck and add me to your list of buyers!
Good morning, ladies! Just cracking my eyes open over here on the West coast. Excuse typos, please.
Thanks for the warm welcome – I know I’ve been a VaNo shirker the last few days, too. I’m hoping I’ll be able to get back into drafting GOB tonight.
What’s to say? You’re all too sweet.
Terri: “Damaged” and “discouraged” are intriguing options …. ooh, I just thought of “beleaguered.” Anyone vote for beleaguered? Then there’s bedraggled, bedeviled… We’ll just keep bouncing words around until one sticks.
Janga: I can’t believe you would say you have a problem with wordiness! All the excerpts I’ve read of your writing have a beautiful, elegant language that makes me sooo jealous. I, too, dreaded writing my hooks. I dread writing them for my current WIP. But somehow, once I got something – anything – down on paper and started tinkering, it got a bit easier.
Tiff: Congrats again on finishing ITN! I think it’s a great idea to sit on it and start the next while coming up with your query and revising. You have such a fascinating concept for your book and your “world,” (and now a great title!) I’m sure your finished query won’t fail to grab agents’ and editors’ attention!
Maggie and Ely, thanks for the vote of confidence – but I’m not taking on query- or hook-writing as a job anytime soon, thank you very much. Sure road to insanity there.
Although if anyone wants one more opinion on their letter/blurb/etc., or someone to bounce ideas off of, I am happy to give whatever help I can. So many people helped with mine. I really have to give credit to CM and India, in particular, for suffering through endless versions of my query (and endless versions of just about anything). Lenora’s feedback also helped me a lot toward the end, although she didn’t have to read so many failed attempts! I’m so, so lucky to have CPs who are unafraid to be brutally honest. Seriously, without them, the whole book would be different (and not in a good way!).
Oh, and while I’m thanking people, let me go ahead and say thanks to those of you who read the whole draft, too – Sara, Maggie, Lindsey – getting that fresh perspective on the whole book was so important.
See, the other topic I considered blogging about was the “Oscar speech” effect – how tempting it is to start dreaming about all the acknowledgments you’ll make…
Man, my list would be looooooooong already, and it’s only getting longer.
I love the last one best…but I’d pick up your book with any of those hooks!
I’m not good with two-word descriptors of my heroes or heroines. In my current WIP, I refer to the heroine as the “eternal cynic”, which doesn’t exactly make her sound like a box of fun or anything. And the hero could probably be summed up as “charming womanizer” or “married charmer”–which technically, probably doesn’t make him sound likeable in one sentence.
I did manage to finally distill my WIP into one word: perceptions…which I think doesn’t sound “negative” and does sum up the book.
Oh, well, I still have to finish my book.
So maybe I won’t worry so much about it quite yet.
I love “beleaguered” *LOL*–but “bedeviled” would be my choice.
Argh, I hit the button too soon –
Okay, so I meant to add that the list keeps getting longer – first the FanLitters, and then the Vagabonds, and now the whole VaNo crew. I’d better hope I get published soon, or I won’t be able to fit it on one page!
Aza – what a great analogy! Yes, when you’re pregnant EVERY woman wants to tell you her story. The cool thing is, even though all those stories are helpful, every woman’s pregnancy and birth is a bit different. So it’s all about finding what works for you and your book and reflects your voice. I must say, I got advice that I didn’t take, too – because I thought my way was the best reflection of my book. Sometimes you just have to trust yourself.
Irisheyes, thanks for your vote and encouragement! I’m glad it’s the last one that ’sticks.’ It’s really important, the ’stickiness.’ I mean, how can you hope to create a lasting impression with someone in a sentence? It’s really a tall order.
Hey, Hellion!
I love “eternal cynic” – that’s perfect, because we just know the romance is gonna turn that around! I must admit, it is much easier to paint a womanizer in positive terms when you have those historical terms like ‘rake’ or ‘libertine.’ The more modern variants just don’t have the same ring, do they? “Charmer” is great, but I agree – “married” perhaps not the most endearing term. Hmmm.. anyone else have ideas?
Hellion, what about something like
“incurable charmer,” or “ruthless charmer,” or “inveterate charmer”?
Ben is unrepentent all the way. And I probably spelled that wrong but I think you know what I’m going for. That is Ben completely.
And he’s incorrigable (I should really look these up 8-|
so that one would work too.
Damn it. I lost the last post. Let me try again.
Ben is unrepentant all the way. And incorrigible. On dictionary.com that one says “bad beyond correction or reform” and that is Ben to a T. LOL!
Okay:
Eternal cynic marries incorrigible charmer and tries to unravel the mystery of the woman who shot him–as well as the mystery of why she married him in the first place.
Does that work?
That’s awesome, Hellion! “Incorrigible” is perfect.
I thought of more possibilities for my hero – reluctant, jaded, haunted .. I’m kind of liking “jaded,” although the connotation’s a bit different. Like “cynic,” it signals an imminent transformation. Hmmm….
I think jaded is good. But flawed is good as well. Can you tell us a bit more about him? That would help out.
I’m thinking we need something different than eternal cynic. There is more to Livie than that. In fact, jaded would work or Livie too.
Tessa, what about dissolute?
Yeah, maybe I should tell you about him! Great idea, Terri!
Okay, so when Jeremy was a child, he witnessed his older brother die in a tragic accident. His brother’s sudden and violent death pretty much destroyed whatever normal family life he’d had, and it also made him the heir. He coped with the domestic dysfunction and increased responsibility by bottling up his emotions and avoiding relationships where he could hurt or be hurt (i.e. love). His friends, including Lucy’s older brother, have been his surrogate family, but he’s always tried to keep Lucy herself at a distance. She’s reckless and wears her emotions on her sleeve, and worse – now she seems bent on ruining or maiming herself in her foolish pursuit of Toby. She’s got ‘impending disaster’ written all over her, and he’s had his fill of disaster for this lifetime. But when Lucy runs into his arms one night – suddenly, he can’t ignore her any longer.
Ideas?
So no, Ely, I don’t think he’s exactly dissolute. That’s Gray.
Thanks for introducing us to Jeremy. BTW – I really want to read this!
The words that come to mind are repressed, emotionally unavailable and stilted but none of those really work for an historical romance rake. Is he a rake btw? I think damaged might still work. Damaged by his past. Reluctant is also a good word too. He’s reluctant to be the Earl, reluctant to love or be loved, reluctant to help Lucy.
Reluctant and damaged are the best I’ve got.
I love the new one – especially Lucy as “hoyden sharpshooter!” Jeremy’s more difficult. I don’t hate “troubled,” but it’s kind of generic. I thought “haunted,” but that’s a bit dark for your story. “Beleaguered” captures the tone of your book (and J&L’s relationship – LOL) pretty well, but I’m not sure it’s sexy enough. And though “reluctant” is also apt, I worry that it makes Jeremy sound weak – and he definitely isn’t. I’m liking “jaded” at the moment – that’s very true of him as well – but I’m going to keep working on it. I think heroines are easier to do in a few words than heroes – there’s just only so many ways to say “tortured Alpha.”
anti-spam suggests “hot” – which is also true, though too generic and modern.
Wow, this sounds really awesome. I loved the excerpt too!
I doubt that I can add anything to these really great suggestions. Let me think:
Broken
Flawed
Cautious
Disheartened
Hesitant
Abashed
Stricken
Restrained
Ack! I thought I could do better than that, but that’s the best I can do. I’m sure you’ll find the right words!!
Great suggestions, guys! Gee, this guestblog thing is the best help ever!
Though technically words like “hesitant” and “reluctant” and “repressed” do describe him, I share Lindsey’s concern that they sound a bit weak. So far, I think “jaded” is still a front-runner. Heheh – I just thought of one that’s funny and sort of accurate, but definitely wouldn’t sell books – “gun-shy.”
“Wounded” is cool, too – but it gives the wrong impression if you take it literally.
Terri asked if he’s a rake – yeah, sorta, in that he’s been around. But he’s not a charming, wooer and pursuer sort – that’s Toby. Jeremy’s the strong, silent type.
Wow, these are great, Tessa! I can’t wait to get my hands on this book! It sounds delightful.
I like reluctant, too. It’s not as in your face as tortured or as wimpy as hesitant.
Hmmm, this one sentence sum up thing is hard. Here are two options. Yes, I know the second one is two sentences. Help meeee…
On the search for a killer, a down-to-earth lady and a head-in-the-clouds lord bicker their way toward love against the backdrop of Victoria’s England.
An oh-so-practical nurse and a head-in-the-clouds Earl stumble upon love in their search for his wife’s killer. Can their fledgling romance survive the aftermath of their investigation?
I HATE having to say it’s set in the Victorian period in this one line but if I leave it the nurse part makes it ambiguous. I could
Uh, I hit send too soon. I was going to say I could say Nightingale nurse but that seems hard to understand.
Manda, I love what you have so far! I adore the contrast of “down-to-earth” and “head-in-the-clouds.” I would definitely fit “nurse” in there somewhere, and isn’t Joss an artist? But maybe you have to stick with lord, if you can only choose one – they do like to see a touch of aristocracy, I hear.
What kind of lord is he?
Even if you just say “Nightingale” – I think most people know that’s a nurse, and it hints at the time period.
My only question is – what are the stakes after they find the killer? Are they in danger themselves? Physical danger or otherwise? I’d like to get more specifics at the end.
Maybe something like,
“A down-to-earth Nightingale must pull an artistic [earl's] head out of the clouds to track down a killer – but will their passion survive the truth they find? Will they?”
Technically, two sentences. And I don’t know if that reflects your book at all. Just an idea.
Just popping by to say “hi” in between errands and trying to enjoy our first sunny day in a week!!
Such excellent suggestions! Might I add that I took an on-line class on pitches and blurbs and it was shockingly difficult. Most of the participants were writing contemporaries or paranormals, but I learned so much from everyone’s example. And we had published authors in the class that were Still trying to perfect their work.
The teacher once said if you’ve done it right, you’ll be spending at least a month and countless hours revising and practicing your pitch/query. She said it’s so much more difficult and ultimately rewarding than it first appears.
As I said before, if it rattles someone like Eloisa, then it’s OK if it throws us. At this point the words “elevator pitch” make me either laugh uncontrollably or break out in a cold sweat….:
Hmmm, I thought about “artistic Earl” or “Pre-Raphaelite Earl” but they didn’t convey that “head in the clouds” thing. If I want to get rid of something I think it’s the artist bit. But perhaps I should be more specific about his being an Earl. Cause with lord he could just be a baronet! God who wants a baronet??? Just kidding.
I suppose I could call him an artist, but he’s a nobleman artist so it’s not like he lives in a garret and survives on his art…
You’re right about the ending. I like what you added. I need to work on that danger angle more, I guess. Sigh. At least I’ve got time…
Manda, don’t sigh! What you have is awesome.
But personally – I think the artist angle is sexy-as-all-get-out.
What if you added a phrase like,
“A down-to-earth Nightingale must convince a head-in-the-clouds Earl to put down his artist’s palette and take up the trail of a killer…”
Or, another thought – could you give him a nickname, like EJ’s “Mad Marquess?” I got no further ideas there, unfortunately. The “Avant-Garde Earl” isn’t quite as catchy.
Ooh, Tessa! I love both of those ideas. This is why it’s great to have friends to bounce ideas off of…
The Mad Marquess-esque idea is brilliant! He’s sort of on the fringes of the Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood and they spent quite a bit of time in the papers. I’ll think about that one…I’ve been trying to figure out a way to work print culture (newpapers, magazines etc.) into the mix too so that would be a great way to do it. He is the Earl of Rickarby so I could have the papers dub him “Rakerby” but that seems too easy…
Thanks, Tessa
Oh, I looove “gun-shy!” But yeah, maybe not so much the image of Jeremy you should be going for. Jaded is good because it implies wordly, sexy, and scarred by his past. I wish there was a way to convey more of how great a guy he is (jaded-but-lovable?
), but there’s only so much you can pack into one word. Even “hoyden sharpshooter” doesn’t entirely sum up Lucy, but it’s wonderfully fun & evocative.
Manda, I love “Rakerby” – that’s awesome! Hmm… I’ll give some thought to an artistic nickname.
It would seem this was a day for ‘practice pitching’! Here’s what comes to my mind for Jeremy. Who, btw, I can’t wait to read more of.
The restraint with which Jeremy approached the rest of his life, was undone when Lucy’s headlong run (foray) into disaster propels her into his arms.
Manda, I’ll get back to yours. You know I adore the story and that unconventional Earl!
Oh, Tessa, I hope I’m not too late to bog! I had a busy day at the office as they say and just got home. I wouldn’t dream of trying to top YOU in the hook dept. So I’ll just bow to your genius! If you really don’t like the “courting trouble” and “troubled earl” you could use “courting danger” and “dangerous earl”. Notice that it’s just about the same as you already have. Why? Because what you have is danged good, girl!
To be one hundred percent honest–for a one-liner I like the very first one about wanting one of the boys. But I see your point that it doesn’t convey specific info about the book.
Anyhow, great blog! Sorry to be so tardy.
er…I meant blog.
Sorry to disappear on everyone – I had to go to work this evening.
Thanks for blogging with me and for inviting me to be a Visiting Vagabond! This has been a really fun and helpful discussion!
India – Ooh, I like the “danger/dangerous’ idea. It’s hard to think of Jeremy as truly dangerous, but hey, who cares about truth in advertising?
Yep, Santa – you absolutely have a handle on Jeremy. Lucy undoes all his restraint, in more ways than one!
Lindsey, as perfect as “gun-shy” is – no one could get it until after they’ve read the book, sadly. I think “jaded” is it for now. There’s also world-weary or disillusioned. But neither sounds as sexy, you’re right. And it’s just so hard to show how lovable J is until Lucy finds out for herself! Much as I adore Gray and Sophia, this whole conversation makes me miss writing Jeremy and Lucy. *sniff* All the more reason to write faster, because they’ll get some pages in book 3.
I have no suggestions, and I’m late in reading this and jumping on, but great blog, Tessa! I appreciate seeing the evolution and how you worked through the hooks! The last one is so good! I honestly can’t wait to see your book in print…it sounds so fun.
Once I get further along in my story, I’ll see if I can come up with a hook and you better bet I’ll be running it by you for critiques!